| It is normal to give away a little of one's life in order not to lose it all |
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| I will not consider dating you if you fall into one or more of the following categories: |
[Jun. 14th, 2007|12:42 pm] |
are sexually insecure
think its ok to Fart in front of me
expect me to always pay for everything
Have a goatee
wear argyle v necks
ever shit your pants past the age of 6
play the lottery (any kind)
drink only light beer
are a virgin
own a thong
cry more then me
wear flip flops with long pants
wear witty Urban Outfitters Tee's
Leave more then one bottom undone on your button up shirts
your shorter then me
wear jean shorts
think Paris Hilton is the hottest person ever
constantly talk about your ex girlfriend
think ART is gay
have a very very small dick
have a very big dick and dont know how to use it
you ask me if i wanna have sex and consider that foreplay
take more time then me to get ready
your pants are tighter then mine
if your not the Alpha Male of your group of friends
I cook you a great dinner and you dont even offer to help with the dishes
you think cause i speak Spanish i must be Mexican
your nails are longer then mine
your a sloppy kisser
your always asking me to rub your back, but then your always to tired to rub mine
cant carry a conversation
sleep on a water bed
Have a chain attached to your wallet
if you "used to" be gay
have never finished reading a book that you didnt have to for school
have the same tattoos in all the same places as every other Emo poser
think the Simpsons are lame
you think snorting things up your nose is cool
have a strange foot fungus |
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| what the fuck! |
[Oct. 17th, 2004|06:40 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | noise | ] |
So i have been trying to work shit out with brian, and it isint working. I love him more then anything and would like nothing more then to be with him always, but im done. I have put everything into this once again,and gotten the same results. Lies.
I try my hardest to trust him but he makes it impossible. I guess i kinda knew the whole time it would be like this. I just wanted it so bad that i thought i would give it a chance. Now after doing everything possible to please the boy in every possible way, i am finally giving up for good. No going back on it this time. I cant deal with the disrespect and lack of consideration anymore. I am going to find someone who will appreciate me. Or fail to find anyone and be alone.
I feel so empty inside after all this, like its taken everything out of me. I am bitter and moody, and its not like me, i cant stand myself lately. I cant stand how i keep giving in to him knowing he doesnt really care. I cant stand to be the person i have pitied my whole life, the girl who gets walked all over by the guy who doesnt even deserve her. Im the girl people hear about and wonder "what is she doing with that guy? she could do so much better."
One of the smartest things i have heard lately is "dont waste your pretty".
Its my new rule to live by.
I want to travel, i want to move far far away. I dont want to see the people i see everyday anymore, i dont want to do the shit i do anymore. Im bored with myself and my life.
Im unhappy all over again. |
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| One nail takes out another. |
[Jul. 27th, 2004|10:18 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | discontent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | none :( | ] |
The guy i loved doesnt want me anymore.
He just says he lost interest and a bunch of other shit that makes no sense to me.
He lied to me for 9 months, and i totally fell for it. I loved him, and now i just have to move on. I wish more then anything that i could have him back...i would do anything if he would just give it another try. But its done, he's done.
Again people that are completely irrelevant to me are having an influence on my life. People that have never been as happy as me and him are the people he is listening to. These same people that have never been around for him when he needs them.
I think that if he is going to do what other people say, when they didnt go through what we did, i probably never really should have been with him to begin with. If looking cool in front of his friends is worth more then what we had...
I just cant believe i was so blind for the whole 9 months.
He doesnt get it. One day all his friends will be married and have their own lives. And if you dont spend the holidays with your own loving family, you spend it with someone else's loving family.
Im just looking for my own.
I went out last night and had a great time.
I got to dance, and drank a couple drinks.
It wasnt that bad.
I didnt think of him that much.
Maybe if i can do this a few times a week...it wont be that bad.
heart broken and slowly recovering,
me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 28th, 2004|03:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
All of a sudden this unsettling feeling comes over me, and the discomfort in stability begins to arise. |
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| forget everything you have ever wanted, and remember everything you have ever lost |
[May. 19th, 2004|03:37 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  indescribable | ] |
So far today is quite the mix of emotions, i found out my sister has decided to go back to bolivia and take the babies as well, this makes me extremely sad in a way, cause i love her and the kids and i am gonna miss her so much, she is one of my best friends and the only person i can go out with and talk shit in spanish about all the fucking scenesters, without them knowing, im gonna miss being with those boys, miss seeing them grow, miss being able to tell her anything and know i can trust her...miss my sister.
When we where young we never really got along, but in the past few years we have become very close, we went through most of the same things so we can relate to each other, count on each other. At the same time i know that the kids and her will be more comfortable over there, and have everything they need. I will visit her soon...i promise. The thing is she just tells me this, and when i ask when she thinks she is leaving, she says a few weeks. |
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| i <3 you guy |
[May. 13th, 2004|07:27 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  loved | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the softies...duh | ] |
I wanted to see boats, so you took me to the sea
I felt like I could fly in this new sky you showed to me
Airplanes passed above us, so only i could hear
When you whispered "I love you" so sweetly in my ear
These are the best days
Night time on an empty shore - foggy like my head
Drifting off to sleep to all those silly things you said
Waking for a moment, to say that we'd be fine
You hid your smile with one hand and with the other you held mine
These are the best days
the softies |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 12th, 2004|12:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crappy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the sound of me typing | ] |
Things have settled down a bit since i last wrote in this, moms out of jail...for now, work is still a little hectic but not as bad, im getting the hang of things. I have been spending a lot of time alone lately, i mean im used to not hanging with my friends much, but i havent seen much of brian either. Its not that im over it or i dont love him, cause i do, more then anything, its just that i have been in a sort of frustrated mood lately, so the few times i would see him we would argue or just kinda get on each others nerves. Not sure if this is the best thing, just what i want right now, and i think for a sec i can be a little selfish, i mean i think i deserve it.
Living with Rachael and Franciou has been great, they are incredible people, i learn all kinds of things from them. Rachael always says i remind her of herself when she was my age, so i guess she kinda feels like she can teach me a few thing she didnt know at my age but knows now..but i know how that goes, everyone learns their own lessons at their own time. I feel strange lately(emotionally not physically), im not sure why, i dont really feel like taking the time to go into thinking what it could be, just in case its something bad.
Soon its gonna be a year since me and Kynen broke up, i dont get to see him much anymore, and miss him at times, not as a boyfriend, but as a friend. More now that im kinda lonely.
So we are at the 6 months point with brian, and i love him more and more every second of every day. He is the though that puts me to sleep at night, and the smile on my face every morning, he is my best friend, and one of the only people that really matters to me right now. I just hope that the way i have been feeling lately dosnt affect US. He is the most beautiful person i have ever met inside and out, and he is like no other boy i have known. If i could ever picture myself being with anyone for a "long" period of time, it would be him no question.
We went out this sat, to the same club where we met 6 months ago, and i had a great time, it was the first time i got to dance to some DnB since the new year, and i danced until i was soaking wet. *i love it* had a few drinks and then left. It was great being there with brian. He was the cutest guy their the night i met him, and he was still the cutest guy there with me. |
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| when it rains it pours |
[May. 5th, 2004|04:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | my teath grinding | ] |
So today has been LONG and is getting slower by the second, my mom got arrested yesterday, 2 felonies, FORGE NARCOTIC PRESCRI, and FORGED PRESCRIPTION. Its $20,000 bail and i dont have that kind of money, neither does anyone else she knows. When i think about her problem with pills i just get frustrated, cause there isnt much i can do, she wont listen to me, and maybe 10 months in prison is the only thing that will make her react. But i think she needs help, not to be in prison, i think a rehabilitation center would be good, but if i try and help her get out of doing time and going straight into a program and then she screws up again, she would be fucked.
It sux how they give her all these addictive pain killers and then expect her to be fine once they stop giving them to her? Its just not right, and she needs her antidepressant or she will start to freak out. I am going to the justice department tomorrow, she is scheduled to have a hearing there, so maybe i can catch it.
And as if thats not enough my sis is dealing with some really horrible people in her living situation, and i am stressing out about her and the kids. She has just a couple of days to find a place to stay, and im not sure what gonna happen... |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 30th, 2004|04:47 pm] |
♥ALYJAA and ♥BRIAN | - Likely to have four identical girls.
- Crazy about being able to kiss amicably.
- Are Hollywood's hottest couple.
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| i love silent hill... |
[Apr. 29th, 2004|04:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cynical | ] |
Pure eyes, blue like a glassy bead---
You are always looking at me
and I am always looking at you.
Ah, you're too meek---
beautiful, unspoiled:
thus I'm so sad, I suffer---
and so happy, it hurts.
I want to hurt you
and destroy myself
What you would think
if you knew how I felt.
Would you simply smile,
not saying a word?
Even curses from your mouth
would be as beautiful as pearls.
I place my left hand on your
face as though we were to kiss.
Then I suddenly shove my thumb
deep into your eyesocket.
Abruptly, decisively,
like drilling a hole.
And what would it feel like?
Like jelly?
Trembling with ecstasy, I obscenely
mix it around and around: I must
taste the warmth of your blood.
How would you scream?
Would you shriek "It hurts!
It hurts!" as cinnabar-red tears
stream from your crushed eye?
You can't know the maddening
hunger I've felt in the midst of
our kisses, so many of them
I've lost count.
As though drinking in your cries,
I bring my hopes to fruition:
biting your tongue, shredding it,
biting at your lips as if tasting
your lipstick.
Oh, what euphoric heights I would
reach, having my desires fulfilled
like a greedy, gluttonous cur.
I longed, too, for your cherry-tinted
cheeks, tasty enough to bewitch my
tongue.
I would surely be healed,
and would cry like a child.
And how is your tender ear?
It brushes against my cheek;
I want it to creep up to my lips so
I can sink my teeth into its flesh.
Your left ear, always hearing words
whispered sweet as pie---
I want it to hear my true feelings.
I never lied, no...
but I did have my secrets.
Ah, but what must you think of me?
Do you hate me? Are you afraid?
As though inviting you to the agony
at the play's end; if you wish, you
could destroy me--- I wouldn't care.
As you wish, you may destroy me
--- I wouldn't care. |
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| slow week |
[Apr. 29th, 2004|03:36 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | none :( | ] |
Well its thursday and it feels like this week is taking forever to end, it strange on account of i had twice as many things to do this week then the past few, and its gone by slower...doesnt make sense.
Tonight i kinda wanted to go out and have a little fun just cause the weekend isn't getting here soon enough. I wanted one of my friends to go with me but she seems kind of distant lately...not sure why. I might go with my sis instead, if she can that is.
So...yeah. |
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| ... |
[Apr. 27th, 2004|03:19 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the ocean breathes salty | ] |
So its been a while, and its not that bad around here lately. At work i am doing a lot of extra things for no extra $ to try and take the position of manager that just became available at work. I talked to my boss and asked him too give me a chance to prove that i would do the job before he hires someone else for it. Lots of new things and a ton of new responsibilities to deal with, but its not bad, definitely something i can handle! Brian and me are still together, and as happy as when we first fell in love. We have a few small arguments but nothing that ever lasts more then a couple minutes. It been 6 months since we met and i cant picture my life without him, he makes me happy and satisfies every need in every possible way. I am in love with this boy, and i would be no less then devastated without him.
Well friends wise i guess its the same, they are there once in a while, but never when i need them and never when they dont need me, the older i get the more i give up on finding any NEW friends, its been hard to get by with these as it is, i dont want to have to meet new people then wait a couple years before they show me their true colors, then have to learn to deal with them. I did all that with these friends and i dont feel like doing it again. I am so thankful for brian in these times cause i do feel kinda lonely and not only is he a great boyfriend, but he is an excellent friend too, we can laugh and wrestle and finger dance and its always fun with him, no matter what we do we always enjoy ourselves, so i guess more then missing having my friends company i miss THEM, their little habits and traits, the stupid things that each one of them says, the way only they can, i miss all the dumb stuff we do and have so much fun doing...well i guess, i just cant have it all. |
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| change is.....nice? |
[Mar. 11th, 2004|12:10 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drained | ] |
| [ | music |
| | no music no nothing..... | ] |
So tonight im at the peoples house who invited me to stay with them, and i was a little nervous at first, not anymore thought. They are really incredible people, im happy to be able to say i know these kind of people, i havent been able to find just honest pure hearted people like this very much, but i guess its just hard for anyone to find now a days. They have a great house, it reminds me of the house from charmed, heheheheh, i really like the old victorian houses, they just have a certain feel to them. I spent a lot of time growing up in a house kind of like this, my grandmas house in bolivia was like this house too. The wooden floors and boarders are beautiful. I went outside to have a smoke and it was all foggy and misty outside. The front porch of the house is great, it has the four stairs up to the door and a big front area where you can see the huge windows from floor to ceiling. Sitting out there in the dark was great, one of those moment that you know will just stick, and not just the scenery but the smell the feeling, it will all stay. Its almost like the beginning or end of a period in your life that when you look back on it you identify it with that one moment. Im just not sure if this is the start or end to something...either way i think i would be pleased at this point.
This place inspires me to read and do creative things, maybe its just that there is no tv here yet, but its kinda nice.
I still feel a little stressed about stuff, thats perfectly understandable i guess, just wish it would pass. Its funny how as we get older it seems it takes a little more time for it to go away, its a s if we have to slowly learn to become accustomed to being constantly stressed out, which is reasonable because the older we get the more things we have to worry about, the more responsibilities we deal with. |
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| bad bad rubber friend |
[Mar. 8th, 2004|06:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | disappointed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | MM float on | ] |
Hmmmm, i have had an interesting few days lately. I made up with kate, which makes me very happy casue ive missed her so. But in the procces of doing so, i also found out that my other friend that has been with me this whole time instead of kate, has been lying to me. I dont care if people do things i dont agree with, but it bugs the fuck out of me when people lie for no reason. She knows i dont care to hear anything about him, good or bad, i dont care if she sleeps with him or not, i just wis she wouldnt fabricate lies when she could just avoid saying anything all together. It just sux when you try not having too many people in your life for the very purpose that you dont want people that cant be honest around, people you have to watch your back around, or distrust what they say. I mean, life is exhausting as it is, i dont want to have to be keepin on eye on the people i love too...just doesnt seem right.
I went out on friday with kate katie and brian, we went to unzipped to watch brian play some DnB. I had a pretty good time, its just fun being with katie and kate, they are great together. And one of the things i forgot i loved so much about kate , is how honest she can be, and even if its not in the nicest way, quite the opposite its in the meanest way possible, but at kleast she is straight up with me, and i love that in anyone, no matter how they choose to do it. |
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| He killed my best friend |
[Jan. 12th, 2004|12:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo !!!
Please dont even tell me it broke...
Tell me your kidding...
I dont want to see it...
just throw it away...
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck !
now what....
I talked to my guy about the whole kiss situation and i am over it. I really like him and im not willing to give it all up over some stupid girl who lacked common courtesy. Still not talking to kate, i am really starting to miss that girl, im just scared that when i call her she is just gonna try and hurt my feelings, and at this point thats the last thing i need. Saw my friend andy this weekend, missed him since forever so it was great to see him. It was an ok weekend, stayed with brian on sat night and we cooked a good dinner, hung out with my sis and aisha on sunday, watching movies, smoking bowls.
nuts and honey
nuts and honey |
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ianiceboy